"I lost myself somewhere in the darkness"

“Life is funny, isn’t it? Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about it and feel like you know what direction you’re heading in, the paths change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, North is suddenly south, and east is west and you’re … Lost.”

I miss the age when I believed that I would have my shit together by the time I was the age I am now. I can’t say that I ever had major future plans when I was in school because that would be far from the truth. When I was trudging through my teenage years my only concerns would be passing exams that now seemingly mean nothing and surviving double English without having a breakdown (all you English A-level people know the struggle).  School never really prepares you for real life.  The moment you walk out of school for the final time and enjoy that one last summer holiday, reality hits and shit gets real. I was one of the very few that didn’t follow the majority of my year to university. Almost every morning in form our teacher would be banging on about UCAS forms and university choices and as it was a waste of my time I often chose to stay in bed a bit longer and go in just in time for my first lesson. There was never really anything I was interested in enough to spend the next 3+ years learning about. I had always wanted to get straight into work and earn my own money. I was never bothered about getting a degree and to this day still feel the same. However, it has been almost 4 years since I left school and although I do have 3 years of employment under my belt, I can’t help but feel that I am back to square one. I have been unemployed for almost a year now and it is driving me crazy.  Recently I was contacted about a senior supervisor job in a new designer outlet but, due to my current situation, I couldn’t even bring myself to call them back.

I’m going to be honest, I have found my emotions running high the last few weeks. One minute I can feel fine and then I feel agitated, upset and frustrated which hits me off guard. I find myself worrying about the future.  But then I stop and remind myself that it will all take time to get used to. Re- building your life can be hard but, it will not happen overnight.  My Mum said to me a few weeks ago “If you want to be sad, be sad. We will ride it out with you. We will be here for you when you need picking back up as well as when you don’t.  Sometimes you just need to cry and then pick yourself up”. These were the words I needed to hear.  I have a busy week ahead and I am just hoping my body can handle it. Wish me luck x